As I’ve mentioned in a few of my recent posts, life lately has been a little all over the place.
I’ve been super busy, pretty stressed and all around just lacking in energy and the motivational sector of my life. All of this along with some serious seasonal depression and needless to say, I’ve been in a major blogging slump.
When I sit back and think about it, it all makes sense. I’ve been through some big changes lately. And change isn’t easy…
A lot of my favorite posts by other bloggers give me an inside look into their lives. Not just the typical what to do in “name of city here” or a play by play of their most recent vacation, but posts giving me an inside look into their feelings, their thoughts and their emotions. I’m talking about when bloggers let me in to their real life, behind the scenes.
I’ve realized I don’t do this very often. And maybe that weighs heavily on the fact that I don’t usually let others in very easily. I don’t like showing my emotions and I hate feeling vulnerable. I often rely on writing about the good, the glamorous life of traveling and all that comes along with it. But the truth is that these compelling stories are just a part of living abroad. They’re easy things to write about. And yes, I should share these things! I mean, who’s going to come back and keep reading an overly emotional diary-style blog? I know I wouldn’t.
Still, I think it’s time I start sharing a little bit of my expat life, behind the scenes.
After all, the life of an expat is not all rainbows, butterflies, sunshine and siestas. It’s not all spontaneous trips to exotic destinations, late night outings and carefree living. Although that’s how it may seem scrolling through an expat’s Instagram.
When all is said and done, life as an expat is just plain old life. The only difference is we’re living it abroad.
We still have problems and doubts. Feelings and fears. We still get stressed. Lost. And sometimes need to ask for help.
Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of these feelings. And if I can’t use blogging as a personal outlet, to share the real ups and downs of traveling and living abroad, then what’s the point? It wouldn’t be real. It wouldn’t be honest.
I’m still getting used to the idea of letting my readers completely in, but I’m going to start trying. It’s time I got a little personal up in here.
Last week, I had to make a really, really difficult decision. One that weighed on me a lot. I pushed it out of my mind again and again, put if off and procrastinated. Until it quickly snuck up on me and the time to decide came.
Was I going to leave Santiago after one semester, as planned, in July or finish out the school year and stay until mid December?
Originally, I had signed up for only 6 months in Santiago because I had wanted to give myself an end date, a deadline. I felt like it was time for me to finally come home and figure out my future. Even though thinking about the future is so, so scary.
But once again, now that I’m here, I’ve come to like my new situation. I like my new job, my new friends, my new apartment and my new city. Everything is still very new. And new is exciting!
Even so, this decision terrified me. I didn’t know what to do.
We’re talking 8 more months…
For those of you who don’t already know, this will be my third consecutive year living the expat life abroad.
I thought about the decision a lot and realized the answer wasn’t going to be so simple. I’m resting in a sort of limbo; I want two very different things at the very same time. The best of both worlds.
Part of me is not anywhere near finished with this life of exploring. The other part of me is just kind of over it.
Sometimes I think- In the big picture of life 8 months doesn’t seem like much. I’ve already lived abroad for 24, what’s another 8?
Other times I think– Can I handle 8 more months of missing my loved ones. 8 more months of missed birthdays and holidays, graduations and dinner dates. Will I be forgotten? Will my loved ones move on?
I can’t help but ask myself, am I simply dragging all of this out? Am I so used to being away that I’m scared of the transition of coming home? Am I just putting off figuring out where I want to be and what I want to do? Is it just time to go home already?
After a lot of thought and way too much back and forth, I realized I couldn’t go home, just because I’m scared of what will happen if I stay. It’s time to face my fears. Whatever is meant to be in the future will be. And I’m not done with Santiago yet.
Who knows, maybe this will be my last hoorah. Maybe, I really am ready to finally call it quits and head home. But right now, this is what I need to do. This is where I need to be. Despite all my fears, all my doubts and second thoughts, it somehow just feels right. I guess only time will tell.
This time away is only going to make me stronger, help me learn and help me grow. Even if it’s rocky along the way.
I’m one step closer to figuring it all out.
Santiago, whether you want me or not, you’ve got me ’til December.
Has anything scared you lately? How do you deal with your fears?
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brave of you to open up like this! #travel tuesday
Thanks Tanja! 😀
I can relate to the pressures of life causing you to feel like you’re in a slump, especially in terms of blogging! When I get stressed and overwhelmed, that’s usually one of the first areas I start slacking in. It sounds like you’re making the right choice though…you’re only this young and free for a while, why not do exactly what makes you happy, even if that changes one month to the next?
So true Kelly! Thanks for the support 😀
bravo to you for writing such an honest and open post! I’ve never been an expat per say. the longest time I’ve spent abroad in one sitting is 6 weeks, and even that was challenging at times. all of the traveling i did during that time was amazing but it definitely came with ups and downs. I think shining a light on the fact that long-term travel isn’t always as “easy” as it maybe appears is so important.
Being away definitely isn’t always easy … but I guess that’s why it’s such a great learning experience! Thanks for reading Carrie 😀
I’m a professional blogger / author now, and I’ve been abroad for about 12 years. And I have these same doubts basically every day. I think they’re just part of life. If you were back home you’d have doubts about “what if I’d gone to live abroad”.
You’re so right Daniel! You always want what you don’t have, right?
I love this post! I too struggle with how/when/if to share overly personal feelings on my blog, because that feels a little too out there for me. But it’s what I enjoy reading most so I too am going to make a conscious effort to include more of me, not just what exciting places I’ve been to.
I’m really enjoying your Santiago posts, so I’m glad you’re staying too! Sometimes there are no right or wrong answers, we just have to put one foot in front of the other.
Thanks Rachel! I think the next few months will be a lot of just putting one foot in front of the other. But I’m glad you’re enjoying my Santiago posts- I’m enjoying the experience just as much! 😀
Thanks for opening yourself up; you’re right, it is SO hard. But it’s when we make ourselves a little vulnerable with what’s going on behind the scenes that we open ourselves up to working through it and becoming stronger.
That’s what I was hoping for! I don’t really like opening up, but I was hoping it would help me through this and so far the blogging community has been awesome! So glad I have so many like-minded people to share experiences like this with! 😀
Lauren, it is great that you open up about dilemmas like this because they are very real. I have been in situations where I want tons of thinks at the same time but cannot decide on one. I know it is not easy to decide (and sometimes we do not want to decide) but I tend to look on the positive. Some people are complacent and they do not need to take “big” decisions since they do not put themselves in situations that challenge them or put them out of the ordinary. I hope you have the best of times in Santiago.
Thanks so much Ruth! It’s so true that we usually get the most out of the decisions that were a challenge to make in the first place! I’m hoping Santiago continues to be a blast as well 😀
Well done – not easy to blog like this! Good on you for rocking on in Santiago a little while longer – expat life can be tricky but it is definitely one heck of an adventure.
That’s for sure! Wouldn’t trade it for anything 😀
This is such a huge struggle in the life of an expat! I’ve faced that decision several times in the past few years–and I always end up staying/continuing to travel. “Should I stay or should I go?” is practically my personal mantra ;). Thank you for writing about this so eloquently! I bet you’ll love the extra time you will have in Santiago and I can’t wait to hear all about it.
Thanks Amy! This is actually the third time I’ve had to make a similar decision, and it never gets easier. Still what comes out of it is always so worth it! Rough times lead to the best of times right? 😀
What a big descion but I’m excited for you to stay a little longer. I feel like after 6 months you are only just starting to know a few place.
Exactly! I’m just starting to get to know Santiago, I didn’t want to rush myself out of this experience!
Congratulations on making a decision! I know I faced a very similar one when I was back in France, which ended up being one of the best decisions ever. I completely understand the not sharing thing. Actually a post is coming out about this on my blog soon as well! Sharing personal stuff makes me uncomfortable, but if I can’t do that on my blog, like you said–what’s the point??
ANYWAYS, I’m looking forward to what comes next in your Santiago adventures. I hope you have an amazing time!! PS: does this mean we WON’T miss each other when I’m there?? 😀
I know that feeling so well!! I’d love to be one of those bloggers who publishes inspiring posts about her current residence every week but life isn’t like that and while I do find Tromso beautiful and inspirational every day, life just gets in the way. You’re working full time as you’d do in your home country too and you just don’t have the energy to go out exploring every weekend. That’s just the way it is and although it’s frustrating, you get used to it. Hope your seasonal depression gets better soon! And congrats on staying in Santiago for a while longer! I’m sure you’ll have a fab time!
Lauren, what a lovely post 🙂 Seriously beautiful! I think we can all relate to these words, and that’s why blogging is such a great way to feel united with those who are in a similar place. And for me, it’s great that you are staying longer 😀 besos!
I mean, of course, I think you’re making the right decision…because it’s something my husband and I decided to go for, too! We found that our life abroad is what we want and need, even despite all the things we will miss out on back in America. We have learned to be okay with it, but it is definitely a decision everyone has to come to terms with on their own. Keep enjoying your time abroad! 🙂
This is me all the time. I think it is incredibly therapeutic to write our stories online just because of the amazing support you get from the community. And trust me, I bet your friends are wondering the same thing as you only that they are scared they will stay in their town forever. You are out of your comfort zone and it is tough, but in 5 years this won’t matter and the stories you’ll have of the world will be priceless!
This is a great post! Sometimes I wish I could open up like this on my blog, but it’s hard because most of my frustrations are to do with my work, and because where I live is not that big, I don’t want to risk people who I work with reading it…. sigh.
Also, I remember having to make a similar decision to you when I was living in Japan for the first time about 10 years ago because it kind of felt like being there was putting “real life” on hold. In hindsight, what is “real life” anyway?
Sending positive thoughts your way. I’ve never been an expat, but I can imagine how hard it is being away from the home you grew up in, your family, your friends, and other loved ones. Just keep in mind, like you said, 8 months is really not that long. And when you are finally home, you’ll probably wish you weren’t. It’s that situation where, like you said, you want two very different things at the same time, and that’s just not possible. Enjoy your time there, now, and have that many more stories to share with your family and friends when you return home. This is a time in your life that you will never forget and will probably help you appreciate being home that much more when you finally get there. 🙂